And Your 2017 NBA Finals Champion Is....

It's finally here, y'all. The real NBA season starts today after 7 months of whatever-the-hell you want to refer to the regular season and conference playoffs as. There are those who think it's meaningless, but some true-to-life  basketball fans enjoy seeing the Sixers sacrifice yet another season for a decent lottery pick. Others want to see young guys like Karl Anthony Towns, Anthony Davis and DeMarcus (BOOGIE!!!!!!) Cousins put up 35 & 12, for FanDuel/Draftkings purposes, knowing damn well they could care less if the teams win or lose. The rest of us have been wishing since March that Adam Silver would just simulate the rest of the season. Regardless of your level of fandom, it's NBA Finals time baby!!!

Give Silver some credit for scheduling Game 1 today. Not only did it give us plenty of time to drunkenly argue about it with Uncle Junebug, cousin Phil and 'nem at the Memorial Day function, but we were able to argue about it at work. I know River and Thad from marketing have probably been forwarding each other hella hilarious memes leading to one of those idiots hitting the "reply all" button, sending his response to the entire department. 

Aww dammit, here comes that reminder from HR about abusing the work email policy.

These last few days, iMessage and GroupMe group chats have been on overdrive with links to Zach Lowe ESPN.com articles, FiveThirtyEight predictions from Nate Silver, Deadspin, The Ringer, SB Nation and every other sports website imaginable. Hot takes and game by game predictions have run rampant, causing all us men to put the chat on Do Not Disturb around our significant others. Ladies, if your man's phone is vibrating off the hook at all hours, it's probably just his group chat arguing a finals take. Or it may be that bitch liking all his Instagram posts who dropped her number in his DMs, I'm not really sure, nor am I here to speculate. 

There wasn't much doubt about who would appear in this years finals, with the 🐐(goat emoji) LeBron James and the defending champion Cleveland Cavaliers facing off against some cute little blue and gold team from out west somewhere. Last year's finals was one for the history books as the Cavs overcame Draymond Green's sack-tapping tendencies and a 3-1 deficit to bring a championship to Cleveland. I cried tears of joy watching my hometown squad overcome nearly impossible odds and also at Ayesha Curry insisting the series was rigged (LiteBrite privilege.) The boys finally got a little get-back from the previous season, when that team full of NBA Live created players went nuclear from 3-point range on the Cavs, who still managed to push the series 6 games (again, LeBron James = 🐐goat emoji.)

This year, the Golden State Weakbodies went and added noted super sucka Kevin Durant to their roster; a clear knee-jerk reaction to being embarrassed on their own floor in game 7 of last year's series. Cleveland has also re-tooled and made their team even more dangerous. Both teams have been a on a season-long collision course and both fan bases have talked enough shit on social media to last an eternity - tonight, it's put up or shut up time. 

I crafted my prediction without expert analysis, GIF examples of certain ways either team guards screens or nerdy analytics. It's as simple as this - while the Scrubs looked like an even scarier well-oiled machine, my Lord and savior is LeBron Raymond James, Sr. He arose from the dead in games 5-7 last year with all power in Heaven and Earth in his hands. The man has a legacy to cement, and there's nothing anyone can do to prevent it. He certainly won't be denied by two taupe-colored dudes or a nigga who looks like a cross between Bubba from Forest Gump and Welvin. And I'll be hot-damned if KD's ol' allergic-to-a-brush headass will deny LeBron's quest either.

With that said, gimme the Cavs in 6, we celebrating on our court this year. Any and all Warriors fans can go play in rush hour traffic.